I don’t know what I’m doing.

Today has been a soul-wrenching day. You have told me that you’re gone. Not to your parents’ for Sunday dinner, not for grocery time with your mom, just gone. Forever. The only way that I’ve ever been able to grasp what forever meant was in the context of waiting for you to join me there at the end of everything. Past the stars. Past the sound. Just us. And now you’ve left that forever. Because of my actions. You always end up farther because of me.

I’m left with your blog, which I’m told will be filled past my pages with stories of men much better than me. I’m left with a few voicemails, remnants of past hurt. There aren’t any good ones. I always picked up the phone for the good parts. Or you never wanted to leave my side so there was no need to call. I’m left with kids’ books that our children will never get to read. I’ll never meet them either. I’m left with you in everything else. You who taught me life was worth seeing, and living, and loving. I don’t know what I’m doing if I have to see it, and live it, and love it without you next to me.

I’m still going to wait. That’s still the forever I will choose. If you zip past both the stars and me, it still will have been worth it.

jax